web log analysis Confessions of a Promiscuous Top: Cocksucker Blues

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Cocksucker Blues

I often repeat on here that I love being a top, and I do-- for me, my overflowing, tender love of the male face and body leads to a reflexive desire to ram my turgid meat into it over and over and over. It's a beautiful thing. I'm not on some trip to be more masculine than I feel inside, I'm not interested in having a slave to cater to my whims or submit to me. I just love dudes, that fuckin them is how I express it. But despite all this, perhaps surprisingly, pretty much my favorite part of the male body-- with close runners-up being the hands, legs, nose, and shoulders-- is the dick. I'm a top, but I'm still gay! There is nothing more beautiful and more mesmerizing to me than a beautiful dick. I love fucking hung guys, especially when they stay hard during the fucking, so I can admire their piece while I'm reaming their backside with my own. I love checking out a dude's ass, but if a guy has a strongly visible dick straining against his pants, I will be rapt and completely unable to take my eyes away. When faced with a closeup of a particularly beautiful one on some porn blog, hidden among all the writhing bodies and limbs and ecstatic, handsome faces, I stop and just stare at it helplessly. I really love cock. This started when I was very young-- some of my earliest memories, weirdly enough, are of looking around at everyone IN CHURCH (back when my mom was still taking us, and going herself), and wondering what all the men's and boys' dingalings looked like (that was the word of choice in early 70s South Carolina, where I was living when I was very little). I gazed endlessly at the bulges of the hairy dudes in the underwear ads in People magazine in the early 80s. And before I ever actually had sex with anyone, I felt sure I was a bottom; I was attracted to nothing as much as a huge hairy dude with a giant prong and figured I just wanted such dudes to ream the fuck out of me. Well, things changed once I started getting my hands on dudes.

I only had sex with two or three other guys, mostly giving them head, before I got my first serious boyfriend. The first guy I blew, when I was 18, was an older guy, pushing 40 I think if not already there, who pulled my head out of his lap with an incredulous look on his face after a few minutes, holding my face in his hands and beseeching me, "Is this *really* your first time with a guy??" I guess I was a natural. He wasn't that cute, but I was 18, he was available, his dick was pretty thick, and I sucked it probably for two hours. My first boyfriend and I took turns fucking each other, but soon it became clear that I was the top and he was the bottom. He lost interest in topping me within a couple of months and I fucked him almost every night for a year and a half. When we broke up, I went back to giving lots of head-- a big part of this was just insecurity. I would go out with guys who wanted me to fuck them, but it seemed too daunting with each new guy-- dealing with the rubber, hole placement, tightness, the baroque positioning needs so many bottoms have, the occasional mess... it was all too much. I was similarly insecure about laying back and getting sucked off, could never come from head, and just pretty much expressed my topness by taking dudes over completely and getting what I wanted from their dick. As I got older, I grew into the largely confident, proud top you read about today, fearlessly plowing and seeding bottoms from sea to shining sea. I don't suck that much cock these days, partly out of a perhaps fatuous fear of getting infected with something (I fuck raw for chrissakes-- but taking something into your body feels so much more vulnerable). But mostly because my favorite sex partners are very pliant bottoms, and they don't really want head. I do it if I feel like it, but I don't often feel like it.

Except lately.

Lately I keep seeing guys on the street who are so handsome, tall, bearded, hairy, stylish, serious, beautiful, and I just wanna suck the living hell out of them. I'm dying to know, like the 5-year-old in the chapel, what their dick looks like-- it's like a whole other part of his personality, hidden from all but the initiated.

So I decided to seek out guys to suck off this week. I put a couple of craigslist ads out, I hit up everyone I thought I'd like to blow on Scruff and Grindr and Jackd and Growlr and whatever, I plastered Manhunt and Adam4Adam with solicitations to get dudes off. Honestly I'm a lot pickier, I think, when planning to suck someone off, than with fucking them, or having them suck me. I'm not hugely turned on by sucking off a smaller dude, for example, or a hairless dude, or a much younger dude; he's gotta be mature, hairy, manly, handsome, rather built, nicely hung, blablabla. But I did extend to offer to lots of dudes I was into; I like lots of kinds of guys.

And NO ONE took me up on it!

The ad I posted today on Craiglist got a total of four replies, one from a bot, one from a guy who wanted ME to suck HIM off, one from a guy who sucked me off a few weeks ago and didn't seem to recognize my pic, and one who was young and hairless and not my type.


Typically when I dangle my dick out on Craigslist asking to have it sucked, I get on the order a dozen replies within an hour; maybe none of them are my type, or I'm not theirs once I show my face pic, but the interest is there. (Not that Craigstlist is good hunting any more; used to be I would get twice as many.) More trickle in forlornly for days: "Do you still need your dick sucked? Can I please suck it?" It's a hard life out there for cocksuckers, seems like.

During this exercise, it was interesting seeing a whole set of guys I usually filter out from the hookup sites-- I usually just stick to some basic searches I have set up for everyone but top and top/versatile. This time I went exclusively FOR top and top/versatile (the number of total tops is vanishingly small, seems like). It was sort of like I'd instantly moved to a new city. All these new guys to hit on! But not a single dude took me up on my offer to blow him, for three days.

Ironically, one guy I cruised on a4a who had a nice hairy body and a nice-sounding profile, but decided not to write to because his dick pick showed kind of an ugly dickhead (I'm a dickhead connoisseur; it's gotta be nice), instantly saw and sent a message to ME, saying he didn't like to get fucked, but he thought my pictures were sexy and he wanted me to lay back so he could suck me and get me close to the edge over and over until I couldn't stand it any more, and then he'd let me cum in his mouth. This just from viewing his profile! Typically, of course, this is totally up my alley-- I could have written his email to me myself, as a demand rather than an offer-- but *I* wanna be the cocksucker today, dammit! But as he was just across the river and would be good for another day, I humored him, asking for a face pic. He opened some extremely cute face pix. OK, I had to get my dick in this. My experiment had gone on long enough. It was a failure. My place in the universe is topping. My sole appeal to the homosexual men of the world is my dick, and how much it shoots; and of course my "toppy" attitude and how it gets them dripping. No one is going to let me just suck their fucking dick already.

I ran over to the cute guy's place and was there within 15 minutes of talking to him. His pix were not him. His body wasn't anywhere near as good, but his face was actually really nice-- not the same type of guy as in the pix, but really cute actually. And he led me to his bedroom and turned the lights down a bit and then sucked the shit out of me. For the last half hour we were just curled into each other; my face resting on his hip and my hands on his back while he lapped away at my meat with his head resting on my thigh. Sometimes I would pull his handsome face up to kiss me, and we'd stare at each other as the sun went down and it grew darker in the room, each of us stroking our meat while we made out; then I would dip down to suck on his huge nipple, which sent him into orbit-- I could feel his dick pulse every time I sucked on it-- and then he would burrow his head back between my legs and I would close my eyes and rest my head back on his hip and feel him working his slow magic on my dick.

Eventually he wanted me standing up at the edge of the bed while he hunkered down and sucked me, giving me free access to his very sensitive chest. He was feeling good and looking up at me with helpless awe at the pleasure my dick was giving him. And damn if he didn't suck a gigantic load out of me, standing right there at the edge of the bed; I feel like I squirted a dozen hot hard jets into him while he fisted himself to orgasm, and then I pulled it out and fisted myself along with him, and he flopped back on the bed and came all over himself, and then I had one of those crazy second-line orgasms that had me splattering all over his groin again, which only made him cum harder.

We laughed for a bit and he handed me a paper towel to clean up with. (Note to readers: this is a terrible way to clean up sticky stuff like cum. Don't do it.) He showed me how beautifully renovated apartment, which is rent stabilized for an insanely low amount of money. I was pretty jealous, as I've always wanted to live in his neighborhood, but he seemed oddly eager for me to get out of there, despite having spend an unhurried 90 minutes sucking on my dingdong. Go figure.

Felt great though!


  1. I would love to suck your cock!

    1. Aw thanks Jack! What do you think it would be like to suck my dick? What do you imagine?