Used and Used By

If I wasn't a completist, I wouldn't even bother writing about who I got off in today, but I am, so I will. This has been a pretty frustrating week, with stretches of very dull work punctuated by very stressful work, and a long string of flakes and weirdos keeping me from getting my rocks off since Friday. They included a guy who looked great but was too high to even work his telephone when I called him, and didn't know exactly where he was but wanted me to come over and blow a wad in him; another guy I forgot even existed/had my number, who texted me to see if I was horny and looking at 5am on a Wednesday (luckily the phone was nowhere near the bed, or I would have woken up very pissed); and a perennial pricktease with an extremely cute face and ass who routinely leaves me hanging and tonight finally got blocked for good. This all left me frustrated and so full of cum it was backing up into my brain and impairing my thinking. After I finished working this evening, while my partner was at a business function, I got a couple of decent offers from craigslist: one very enthusiastic, thirsty little Asian guy, and one handsome white guy in Queens that I'd have to travel to and who gave me a weird vibe, but was much more the kind of guy I was looking for (I'd love to fuck the Asian guy but not get blown by him). There was some annoying back and forth about the need for discretion and his reluctance to swallow me (my ad clearly stated that the cocksucker was to drink it all down). Meanwhile, the Asian kid gave me the I-just-have-to-take-a-shower thing, which is often the Gateway to Flaking, so I told him to hit me up when he was actually free. Twenty minutes later I hadn't heard anything, but Queens guy agreed to receive my semen properly and gave me his address, so I got ready to go. Just before I dashed out, I saw that the Asian kid had written, saying he was done with the shower. And for a minute I hung there, wondering if this was some kind of cosmic test. It was, and I failed.

I figured, well, you snooze you lose, kid, and I left without replying. On the way over to the Queens guy's house, which was not too far really by car, I had a bad sense and wondered if I was going to get punked. I got there in 15 or 20 minutes with no traffic at all, and found a space to park right in front of his house. The buzzers were gnarly old things, completely illegible except for a big "1" and a long arrow pointing to one of them, which was drawn in a shaky hand with a black magic marker on the wall. I buzzed it. The guy who answered, perhaps predictably, looked Nothing Like Picture, and is not someone I would hook up with, really, at all.

I have no qualm about telling guys in this situation, "Sorry, this isn't going to work," and leaving. But tonight I just had to get off. In fact, if I did not get off that instant, someone was going to have to die. So I thought, what the hell, I will just use this guy for his throat. That's a very stupid, porny punishment, isn't it? "You've been bad, now you have to LET ME FUCK YOU IN EXACTLY THE WAY YOU DESIRE!" But there's a certain appeal to the idea of just sticking your dick in someone and making them get you off when they've disappointed you.

He led me in to his little apartment, and asked, "Horny?" in some kind of eastern-european accent. He had muscular legs but was just way too bearish for me; there was really nothing else positive to say about his looks which were completely proletarian. There was no way I'd bring myself to make out with him or anything; I really didn't much want to touch him. But I pulled out the goods and told him to get on his knees and get started. He seemed pretty willing, though I am sure he sensed my displeasure with his lying. He sucked me pretty good, as not-attractive guys reliably do, but the dissonance in my head was so great I wasn't sure I'd get hard. I pretty much kept my eyes closed, with my hands on my hips in a posture of complete indifference while he toiled away, trying to get a rise out of me. I thought, in 20 seconds, I'm going to pull up my shorts and leave... but then, what do you know, I got hard. He was a truly greedy little knobgobbler. So I opened my eyes, looked around till I saw a chair I could sit in, and told him, "Let me get comfortable here." I pulled my shorts off all the way and kicked off my shoes and sat back, closing my eyes again, and let him do his thing. I made him do all the work; I didn't thrust or touch him or give him any encouragement at all. Only occasionally would I grab his head and pull his mouth down on my dick to get some deep sensation. At one point I put my feet on his thighs for a better angle, and this unduly excited him, and he really started sucking me with real gusto. Didn't take much.

I was still not very happy though. He began licking my balls and jerking me a bit-- maybe he didn't have the kind of stamina I needed, and I felt myself deflate a bit because those things don't do much for me, and again I considered putting my dick away and telling him, "No cum for you." It would be extremely frustrating, but I could shoot it in someone else tomorrow, maybe. Or maybe the Asian kid would not be pissed and finish me off. My pitiful little cum-addled brain turned over the options while Big Liar resumed chomping on my tool, doing something that started to feel unreasonably good. And though only about 15 minutes had gone by, I realized he had somehow made me want to cum. I decided to just go with it. I just put my hands behind my head and let myself be nothing but a dick doing whatever the fuck it wanted. And what it wanted to do was squirt out all the fuckin cum that had been building up between my legs for the past six days. It just wanted to shoot out all the frustration and stress of the week. And so I let it go without a word or a whimper. It squirted over and over into the Big Liar, and he didn't miss a beat but kept sucking me aggressively and making me cum even harder. This was a lot of spooge, I could feel it, and my penis was just squirting it out with a fierce mechanicality. He didn't let up on me one bit until long after the last spasm of my meat twinged, the last trickle of scum oozed out of my pisshole. I pretty much had to pry his face out of my groin. "Not bad," I said, and pulled up my shorts and stepped into my shoes. And with a final "Thanks," I was out the door.

Of course, I didn't just use him; he used me for my dick and my cum (which he swallowed awfully skillfully for a guy who is usually safe). For a lot of people, this is the be-all and end-all of man-on-man sex, and they take pride in it. For me, it's pretty hollow. In the end, even more than I used him for his gullet and he used me for my spunk, I deprived him of something he seemed to want-- some contact or verbal encouragement-- because he had deprived me of what I wanted-- the cute guy in the picture. This is all very transactional and utilitarian-- swift, sure justice. Readers of this blog know that for me sex is ideally a transcendent act, even if I didn't quite catch the other guy's name and the ultimate result is nothing more than a stranger's beard full of my ejaculate and a stupid grin on my face. I know there is no real exchange beyond pleasure. But what an exchange! Rich and full, more focused on mutual giving than mutual taking, mutual keeping.

But sometimes you just gotta cum in a hole, eh? So I came in a hole. Oh well.

The evening sky was beautiful and lucid and I felt all the fog of the week lifted immediately on my walk back to the car. I got home to no fewer than seven increasingly annoyed emails from the Asian kid. Maybe I can somehow sweet-talk him into letting me deep dick his ass and leave it dripping with my liquid pleasure sometime. I learned my lesson... whoever I get with next will get the best of me, and I'll take their best in return.