web log analysis Confessions of a Promiscuous Top: Depressing

Monday, August 4, 2014


I'm loath to post things like this, but my sex life isn't all perfect round buttocks and hot ejaculations transporting me to an astral plane. And for what it's worth, I did get my dick sucked till it was hard and thick today. But otherwise it was the kind of experience that makes me wonder what the fuck I'm doing   hooking up randomly all the time, putting my dick in dudes after exchanging three sentences with them, running around town to inseminate as many bodies as I can. So pop some popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the sad show.

I started it. A profile on Adam4Adam advertising a short, athletic Italian had one picture of a very nice muscular chest, a big beautiful dick, and a rather nice ass in a jockstrap. Perfect! He was in Hell's Kitchen, but work was quiet today and I thought I could spare the time to travel up there. I complimented the muscular chest, asked if he liked being plowed and seeded, and went on to other things. By the time I got back to Adam I saw he had replied right away, saying he liked my pictures, unlocking, and then for good measure saying he really wanted it. I asked where in Hell's Kitchen he was, and he told me the intersection and asked when I was free. His face was pretty nice, actually. He looked a little blue collar but he was handsome and manly for a short guy. But as an old pro hooking up online, even from this limited information I gave you, I should have known from a few things that this was not going to go well. First, the pictures were quite tightly cropped. The chest and upper torso was clearly visible, but somehow it seemed that a guy with that nice a body and that handsome a face would show it off a bit more. Also, that kind of guy is just *never* into me-- short, muscular, handsome, bottomy? Never. Any three of the four, yes. All four, no. Finally, he never just sent me one message. He always sent me bursts of two or three and the last one was always a hectoring "when?" or "are you there" or "are you interested".

If I hadn't had visions of sticking it to a handsome muscular blue collar Italian dancing in my head, I would have slowed down a bit. But I got pretty turned on, and wanted to get up there and back before it got too late. So I told him I could leave pretty soon and be there in less than half an hour. I kept getting rapid-fire messages, full of rushed typos, even after I sent him my cell number and a note saying "text me your address and I will head up." He was replying so fast I think he kept missing the fact that I was replying to him! This is just not the behavior of a handsome muscular dude. It's the behavior of a desperate troll. Being a desperate troll myself, I ignored it.

He finally quit frantically typing and started reading, saw my number, and texted me on my phone. I had his address pretty quickly and we arranged for me to go up there when he was getting cleaned up. And then I brushed my teeth and went up.

I got there in about the time I'd said it would take and was looking forward to a nice fuck. His apartment building looked ok from the outside, which is nice in that rather ratty neighborhood full of old tenements. I buzzed, and went in; he was on the ground floor, so I didn't even have to climb stairs. Nice!

But he opened the door and ugh. His face was his all right-- he was not quiiiite as glamorously handsome as his picture, but I recognized him easily and liked his face. I barely registered his overall looks before getting in the apartment, which was tiny and hot and squalid and full of crap. But he was a slob. Dressed in sacks of ill-fitting, gray knit jersey material, giant rather slovenly-looking gut, fat legs sticking out of voluminous sweat shorts with I think a hole in them, just not attractive at all. No way I could fuck this guy. I thought, ugh, I should just leave. I was extremely angry, with him and with myself, for knowing better but letting wishful thinking get the better of me, and wasting a trip uptown on this.

But I didn't just leave. Perversely, I decided, let the dude suck my dick and swallow my cum; make him get me off at least, so I had something to show for the trip. He dove for me quickly, before I had any chance to decide anything at all really, pulling my shirt off me and reaching into the waistband of my shorts. Sometimes guys like this give really good head, I told myself feebly. And despite his overall sloppiness, his face was nice. I could easily watch that face work over my meat for fifteen minutes, I told myself. So I took off my watch and my shoes and told him to get to his knees and pulled out my meat.

He dove for that too, really too rabidly, as if he were going to chew it off me. I put my hands on either side of his head and slowed his movements and said, "Suck it slow, long slow strokes." He did not seem like the type who could both suck and listen at the same time, but eventually I got him to approximate the kind of head I wanted, with rather more teeth than was perfectly comfortable. Again at this point I should have just left, but clearly there is something wrong with me. All I could think was, I want to use this dude as a cumhole. I want him to make me hard, I want to drill his skull, I want to drown him with more cum than he's had in years, and I want to leave. So I let him keep working my dick, and eventually he hit some right button, and also the sadistic demon in me began to uncoil at the idea of just using him for wasting my time, and my dick began to lengthen and strengthen. Again too much teeth, but it wasn't half bad. His body was mostly hidden from his position on his knees and his face honestly looked beatific with my meat in it. I wondered how much dick he gets, how many other people give in and let him suck them like this.

But then he got greedy. He was tugging at all that fabric that wrapped him, pulling off his shorts I think, tugging at his own dick which I'm sure was not the glorious dick in the photos or I would have seen it more clearly. And he stopped sucking me and stood up to get on the bed, saying he was all cleaned out for me.

"I'm not going to fuck you, man," I said, firmly but trying not to sound too angry. He stopped in his tracks, stared at me with a kind of fear in his face, and said, "Why not?" He got off the bed and came face to face with me. "I'm not interested in that with you." "Why not?" he demanded again. "Because you don't look like your pictures." I kept my voice very level. "Now you can keep sucking my dick and swallow my cum or I can leave. It's up to you." "Why are you making me suck your dick?" he whined, "if you're not into me?" I threw him a bone. "I like your face. But you are not like your pictures and I don't want to fuck you." He reached over and was stroking my dick up and down, looking into my eyes with lust, disappointment, desperation, and a rising anger all at once. He tugged and tugged at my meat, staring at me, and then said rather dumbly, "….really??"

I nodded gravely and said, "Yes. It's up to you. Do you want to suck me off or do you want me to leave?" He made a sound of protest. "But I want to get fucked," he whined. I snorted and pulled my dick out of his hands and rooted around for my shorts on the dark floor, pulling them up so the toy was no longer his to play with, then pulled on my shirt. "Sorry, my friend. I'm leaving." He stood there with his arms limply hanging at his sides while I looked for my glasses, which are hard to see when I don't have them on. Feeling a little like Velma, I crept around the perimeter of his rathole looking for them, till I spied them on the tiny kitchen table in the tiny nook of a kitchen. I felt for my keys and phone and wallet and went to the door, looked at him one last time standing there open-mouthed, and said, "Have a good one," slipping through the door.

I went down the street feeling extremely annoyed and frustrated, honestly more with myself than the pitiful creature I had just left wondering where that big fat dick went. I thought, well, I'm in Hell's Kitchen, surrounded by a zillion homos, maybe I will get lucky. So I fired up a bunch of apps and cast around for another ass to fuck. Everyone looked pretty good, but no one was biting.

And then I realized: I left my fucking watch in that place. My favorite watch that everyone compliments me on. Fuck me.

I considered slinking back to get it, but I couldn't do that now. I resolved myself to losing it for good. Kicking myself even harder now, I cruised a little more feverishly. Someone HAD to take my cum now. I was beginning to look as pathetic as the guy who lured me all the way from Brooklyn with fake pix.

And then an avalanche of whiny texts began.

The guy was all: "I was embarrassed you should have just said something when you got there I have a nice butt to fuck you were just going to make me suck you and cum in me and leave weren't you I am humiliated but you were hard and I was hard too I should have just kept sucking you I was just thrown off I could have shot a load true I know it depends on chemistry I should have had the option" OMG OMG OMG it just kept coming and coming.

I said, "I left my watch there. I'd like to come get it. If you want to suck me and swallow me you can. But I really would like the watch back." Not very romantic, I know, but as long as he opened the door to more communication, I figured I'd try to go get it back. I really love that watch.

He claimed he had left the apartment to "go shopping". I think that was a lie. I was still a block or two from his place and I would have seen him, I think. "Why did you make me suck your dick you could have said it when you came in you are so selfish I don't think you're the kind of guy who would be patient enough to wait for me to cum blablabla" text after text after text. I told him I couldn't hang around, and was going to go home.

When I got off the train, I think I had 30 texts from him. First saying come back, I'll suck you, I'll let you cum if you let me cum, I guess you're on the subway you should have answered I would have swallowed your cum but you didn't even give me a chance I would have reconsidered I was walking home I don't want your watch I don't even know where it is I guess you're on the train all you had to be was up front when you walked in but you pulled a fast one on me I'm humiliated I was stunned show some respect I would have blown you if you'd just asked for it you didn't give me time to process I have dignity you seemed nice and I'm wasting my time I was on my way home and you didn't even wait I bet you're home now dude if you had patience you could have gotten sucked you made a fool out of me I was getting all hard to fuck you're so selfish you should have told me the truth you're obviously home and ignoring my texts I would have said come back sometime and you don't even want your watch neither I will throw it out I guess I did the right thing you don't deserve to get off you are not very respectful you know I would have sucked you if you just answered I did the right thing I think" OMG KILL ME ALREADY.

And all this because he used fake pictures! Geesh. It pushes my buttons when people who lie or cheat or whatever can't own up to any of their own role in what happens to them and blame ME. So I just said, "How much respect does someone who uses fake pix and a misleading profile to waste an hour of someone's else's time on the subway deserve?"

And that was a mistake. I think I got 30 more texts. "I guess it's ok to use somebody I'm throwing the watch out if it was so bad why did you get a blowjob everybody deserves respect I def did the right thing what I did was not hurtful what you did was you didn't deserve that blowjob people like you make me sick kiss your ugly watch goodbye funny you felt this way but still wanted to come back for head I thought you might have a shred of decency and would invite you back boy I was wrong you're a jackass selfish jerk like most guys online I'm glade you didn't get my ass you don't deserve it and I wasn't into you you are no prize but I tried to be a good host all I wanted was a dick in my butt so I was willing to settle no worries I already got some when you left after what I see I don't feel bad in the least you are only out for your own satisfaction maybe that's why you didn't get any the dude after you LOVED IT".

Ugh, what a deluded nutcase. I ignored all that and went to the grocery store.

Granted, I was indeed going to use him. But he knew how far I was coming, and he knew how ludicrous his pix were, and if you're going to mislead folks like that, you have to be prepared to be paid back in kind with your own self-absorption.

In the end it leaves me very depressed. This comes on the heels of another lovely experience on a4a where some guy hit on me last week, with no pictures, insisting on emailing them to me, and when I got them,  I said literally, "I don't feel a match man, happy fucking to you," and he said "GO FUCK YOURSELF" and blocked me. In email I told him he was making an ass out of himself, that I had been polite, and I got a similar screed about what a jerk I am, how I'm ugly and old and have no job (?), and how I need to let it go and accept rejection (??). I told him, "I rejected YOU, psycho," and he said "hahaha let it go you are ugly and old get over it". He honestly thinks somehow he rejected me, even though he never saw any more pix than the ones that made him email me about wanting me to fuck him! Insane.

I'm fascinated by this kind of deluded behavior and probably engage with guys like this a bit more than I should, just to see how far it will go. (It will go quite far, gentle reader.) But I am also depressed by it, and by the foolish way I stumble into these situations. I should know better. Ah well. And it probably was bad of me to make the dude suck my dick. But what do you think, readers? Is he still wearing my watch, hours later, beating off and thinking about the taste of my meat, fantasizing about it stuffed inside him? Or did he throw it out in defiance and then lay in bed thinking about all the other dudes who are going to come fuck him, what with his beautiful, muscular chest and ass?


  1. Hey what a great post. I've had situations like that before, and sounds like you and I handle things similarly.

    First off, to answer your last question, In my opinion, he threw the watch out, or otherwise rationalized the situation. I hate to say it, but I see a little of myself in that guy. I've been rejected by younger fit guys before. I know if I crop my photo just right, the one with the shirt that's too tight, I look pretty damn good. The truth is I'm a 52 year old guy, not a 22 year old guy, and no amount of photo cropping or time spent at the gym will erase those well deserved wrinkles in my face and brow. Am I being deceptive, or it is clever packaging? I tell myself what I have to. It's hard to salvage self respect after rejection.

    So, on SOME level, I relate with the fugly dude.

    On the other hand, it's happened to me before as well, and few times I've bailed out of the situation. It's not easy, I know. I think I would have done exactly what you did, with some slight variation.

    I would have returned for the watch, and I wouldn't have replied to any further texts.

    When I first started hooking up with guys, I got the "silent treatment" all the time and it used to bug the hell out of me! I prefer honest truth and answers to being ignored, even if the truth may sting a bit at first.

    But, that's not how the rest of the gay world plays the game. Apparently it's perfectly acceptable to just break off conversation and go dark, if you feel like it or find another distraction. It took me a long time to learn this lesson, but once I embraced it, things seem to go a lot smoother. If you can't beat 'em, join em.

    Anyway, I loved your post and it gave me some validation.

    1. I've been rejected upon meet up or at the beginning of festivities when things are not working for the other guy as well, so of course I know the feeling, although I can't say I find it "humiliating" like the guy, or take it as a huge blow to my self-respect. (It's also a lot less common now that I have many revealing pictures that accurately show what I look like; what's the point of not showing potential partners what they're getting?) The guy just had to put everything on me and go right back online with his fake pix and convince someone else to come over. If anything he *needs* a dent in his self-respect; to me acting that way is a much bigger blow to your dignity than having someone tell you they don't want to fuck you after all.

      As for dudes just going silent: I'm a pretty communicative guy, though I don't tell everyone who hits me up "thanks but no thanks" because you get so much static from some people, arguing with you, nagging you whyyyyy, telling you you're ugly too, yadda yadda. But once I start talking to someone, unless they give me crazy vibes, I try to be polite. It's really no skin off my nose. I even frankly told this dude what the deal was: you don't look like your pictures, except your face, I like your face, you can suck my dick while I watch your face, but you lied about everything else, so I don't want me. He just couldn't handle reality, and I'm so, so terrible. GOD that pushes my buttons.

  2. Are you re-thinking your life style and activities? The good experiences out number the bad.........just need to be more selective (I guess).

    With that....how much does your partner know about all of this....even though you don't have sex with him......don't mean to pry - just curious.

    1. Experiences like that are squalid and depressing and make me wonder what path I'm taking to be led to them, but I don't suppose they're very common, as you point out. It's more a philosophical thing. Am I somehow like this guy because we both swim in the pool of random sex? Am I fooling myself? But most experiences are fine, some quite nice, and I like most of the people I fuck. Experiences like this actually make me wonder why it isn't worse than it is; I suppose I'm actually pretty lucky.

      My partner and I are strictly don't-ask-don't-tell about our extracurricular activities. I think he and I both would consider it kind of disrespectful to bring up anything like this, or any external sexual experiences at all, as our time together is very intimate and focused on each other. I know other couples can be different. This is just how we are. I wouldn't waste my partner's time talking about this dude, or take time away from our experience together even to tell him in any detail about some extremely hot dude I plowed. We have these private sides to ourselves that we allow each other, but when we are together, we are together he and I, and I really like it that way.

  3. God, how I know both sides of this scenario. I will say up front, that I don't like surprises. I let them know that once we meet if no connection, saying "it's not a match" is okay. I also carry a man bag, aka man purse with all my shit inside so I can keep track of everything and not have to go slinking back.

    I think, considering the fact that you like new meat you do extremely well in NYC. Every barrel of apples has a few bad ones.

    Through all of this, I think you handled the situation quite well. I don't think the guy tossed your watch. I would contact him with a nice note and ask to get it back.

    Thanks for the great post.


    1. I love how you have managed to give me practical fashion advice in the midst of this depressing thread, Jack! I definitely need a man purse. And a complete blowjob from a hot dude who looks like his pictures!

  4. Dude I love reading you blog and wish I was in NYC to hookup with you. But you can't let this pathetic MOFO get to you. It was he who used fake pics, you just let your dick overpower your mind when you saw the warning signs with the rapid messages (hate that myself) and pics, chalk it up to what it is a reminder to be cautious and leave your watch on or at home in the future. When I used to wear a watch I hooked up with this guy when I was out at a bar one night and was a little tipsy he takes me home where his bf was asleep and asks the bf if he wants to join us but the bf said no so we went to the guest room and he fucked me good and raw. Gave me a ride home in the morning but when I got up to my apartment I realized embarrassingly that I had left my watch at their place so I texted him and he graciously brought it back to me.

    If you're feeling a little vengeful post the guys profile on craigslist warning others of his fake pics usage. That is good revenge.

    1. Heh if I were the vengeful sort, I could say I've already had revenge, given his reaction to my "making" him suck my dick (honestly I thought of it as "letting" him suck my dick, but he clearly felt otherwise). The only really depressing part is that someone could be that deluded and entitled, especially looking like that and inviting people to a hole like that. Ugh.

  5. I like raw honesty spitting in the face of absurd deception. But I can sorta see his point of view in that it has a tinge of cockiness in it (which is a bit of a turn on, I have to admit). The "Well, I didn't want him anyway" defense is kinda sad but hey, the ego is harder to recover sometimes and I guess you do what you have to and get by. Just made me think of this one time I invited this guy over after exchanging copious amounts of (real) pics and he wasn't into it and left. Later, we bumped into each other at a bathhouse of all places and had a good time... on the order of "I don't remember why I passed on ya the first time". Meh. It's all good. We still ended up having a good time and I still got my load down his throat. I'm okay with being on the cusp of hot and not hot for him. Ha! But at the same time, I've also been with a guy that was awesome and then I get kinda stalkerish afterwards when the guy never responds. I just have to take a break and reset expectations a bit. So I guess my point is that for me, that upfront rejection was a bit easier to handle.

    1. I can understand getting stalkery when you had a great time with a sphinx-like guy, but sending literally thirty text messages to someone who was clear about what he was into and what he was not into and exactly why-- I told him these things before I left-- is completely asinine. But I guess he thought he hit the jackpot when I came over and didn't leave right away. Which in the end is what I should have done, as you are saying.

  6. Great Blog!! As for this guy, I believe he is angry with himself. One, that he has let himself go and still relies upon older shots of himself to portray what he once was. It is sad and at times pathetic but such is the case. As for the watch, my verbage to anyone who comes over to my place as they are heading out the door.. "watch, wallet, keys" along with a pat on the Ass

    1. Thanks, Anonymous! Glad you like the blog! I don't think those pictures were him at all, to be honest. But that is the way someone has to behave to deflect responsibility from himself to me. He just kept saying the same things over and over in his texts, he was really just talking to himself. I think I wouldn't have forgotten the watch if I hadn't had such a hard time finding my glasses. Stupid nearsightedness!

  7. I like to think of myself as trying to treat people with respect and dignity, or as much as they give themselves....In a perfect world, I would be able to every single time be honest and upfront about not being into someone after they chat me up for a while without even putting up a pic, and somehow think that even though I have NO clue what they look like, that their winning personality will make me not care about what they look like once they do decide to share a pic. I'm sorry, but I have had TOO MANY crazy low self-esteem idiots go off on me when I offer a simple and straight forward "Not really feeling a match, but thank you and have fun." But I usually try and be honest anyway....Sometimes I get a very gracious and friendly "No problem thanks for the honesty," and other times I get the same treatment you did in your post. So the honesty/silent treatment question is indeed a tough one. For those who do go nuts on you, my advice is it's just not worth engaging crazy people like that. Tell yourself you dodged a bullet and just ignore/block/whatever, and pay them no mind. Is it harsh? Perhaps. However, in the end, it's a hookup not a relationship, not even a date, and frankly it's not that important to worry about. Trust me, those people have bigger issues to worry about than one person hurting their feelings or bruising their (fragile) ego. By the way, thank you for your blog, I've always found it very honest and relatable!

    1. Glad you like the blog, Ethan! This post is definitely a popular one to comment on… I'm surprised!

  8. It's actually pretty funny. I don't share may pics online. I have two pics that are oh about four years out of date(to be honest though my body isn't much different) and never trade face pictures. In all that time I've probably had two or three guys bail on me when we've finally met and yeah it does do a number on your self esteem. I'm not sure why everyone here is pretending that it doesn't, it really does. But by extension, I mean I'm not going to hound a guy who doesn't want me, nor am I going to try to convince him that I in fact turned him down.

    And on the count of letting some guy suck you off, I haven't done that but I've definitely fucked guys I wasn't into. Most times I'll bail but every once in a while there's the "i'm really horny and it's going to take me forever to find someone else" fucks and we're totally all entitled to that. You're not belittling the guy, he's there to get off and so are you haha.

    1. I think the idea that the guy took a hit to his self esteem when he basically lured me up there with completely fake pictures is ludicrous. To be honest, after thinking about it more, it feels a lot more like what I bet some women have to deal with, where guys feel entitled to sex for no good reason. I'm not a woman, and was bigger than him, and suchlike, so I didn't feel threatened or anything. But his way of twisting it around like I'm the cause of everything, and his insistence that "all I wanted was to get my butt fucked" as if what I wanted didn't matter, really just makes me think he's a brain-dead nut job. Like a lot of dudes out there, I guess. If you lie to me and I call you on it, I couldn't care less what it does to your self-esteem. You clearly have no self-respect already, posting fake pix and expecting people not to balk.

      ANYway. That's the whole reason I make sure to use recent pix that are representative-- flattering, but representative. I've been rejected upon inspection too, and who wants that? But to me, showing dudes who want to fuck you what you look like is the best way to avoid rejection, get guys who are actually into you, and then actually have good sex. Not half a blowjob from a dude with an "ugly watch" who leaves you with your dick hanging out.